This is the forum for bad jokes

[Gazoo]

Q: Who are the two most famous gay Irishmen?

A: Gerald FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzGerald.

[RGMike]

But.. this entire board is a forum for bad jokes...

[mshray]

Q: Who are the two most famous gay Irishmen?

A: Gerald FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzGerald.

Q: what do you call identical twin Irish lesbians?

A: Gaylicks

(are Tegan & Sara Irish-Canadian?)

[princessofcairo]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy.  The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have had a really bummer day on the day that you died.

The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven.  The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said.  I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.  But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.  My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.  Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground.  But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees
and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.  This ticked me off
even more.  In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator.  I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony, and tipped it over the side.  It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him!  The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a
heart attack and
died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.  Technically, the guy did have
a bad day.  It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK
sir.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.  To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump.  "Mr. .. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem.  But you're not going to believe this.  I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.  I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress.  I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by
the fingertips on the balcony below mine.  But all of a sudden this
crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps
on my fingers.  Well, of course I fell.  I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.  As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the
balcony.  It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.  
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.  "Very
well." The Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak.  Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me
what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this.  I'm naked inside a refrigerator.....

[mshray]

I heard that one several times but without the famous people references.

Here's another Clinton joke:

President Clinton has decided to take a camping trip with his family, and one afternoon he goes jogging on a trail that goes along a river in the national park.  Several Secret Service men of course also have to go jogging along behind him, but all of a sudden Clinton trips & falls into the river.  The river is flowing pretty swiftly & the Secret Service guys can't keep up, so they start yelling loudly for help as they run down the trail.  As luck would have it a group of Boy Scouts are down the trail & they hear what is happening.  Three of them quickly form a chain and are able to reach out & catch Clinton's outstretched hand & pull him up the river bank.

After Clinton catches his breath & the Secret Service guys arrive to confirm that everything is going to be okay, he tells the 3 boys, "Boys that was a very brave thing you did, and I thank you for saving my life.  If there is anything I can do or give you as a reward, just name it & I'll make it happen."

At first the boys are too shy to speak up, but Clinton insists.

"Well," the first boy says, "My dad is a big fan of yours, do you suppose we could come to the White House for a tour & he could get your autograph?"

"Absolutely," says Clinton, "In fact when you come your family will be my guests for dinner & you can ask my chefs to prepare any food you'd like."  Turning to the second boy, Clinton asks, "How about you, son?"

He replies, "My dad is a big airplane buff, do you think we could take a ride with you on Air Force One?"

"Definitely," says Clinton, "We can pick you up and take you anywhere you want to go."

The third boy, however is still obviously quite reluctant to speak, so Clinton puts his arm around his shoulders and says, "It's okay, son. You helped save my life today.  If there's anything that you want & I have it in my power to do it for you, I will."

The third boy finally takes a deep breath and says, "Okay, I want a really fancy wheelchair, motorized, with a built in TV & radio & game player."

Clinton looks at him quite puzzled and asks, "Who do you need that for?"

"For me," the boy replies.

"But you're young and perfectly healthy," says Clinton, "You surely don't need a wheelchair."

"But I surely will," says the boy, "once my dad finds out whose life I saved."

[Gazoo]

[ggould]

a couple of lame ones from recent emails (both from church folk!):

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully
in 1996 at age 93 (this is actually true).

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

****


Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her
vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It
was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised deck that received the sun
all day long.

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided
that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it  and 
get rid of the tan lines on her back. She'd been lying on her stomach for a 
little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the
roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her bathing suit, and
since  she  was lying on her stomach, she just Pulled  a towel over her
rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing
up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, like
you did yesterday."

"Yesterday!" she exclaimed. "Have you been following me around? And besides,
what difference does it make, since no one except a nosy assistant manager
can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed man, "except for the fact
that you're lying on the dining room skylight!"

[Alicat]

Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.  The
next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.  The local paper read:

 PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.  The next day, the local paper headline read:

 BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.  The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[RGMike]

A NY friend emailed me and said that the White Stripes are playing there as part of "Fashion Week". Sez he: they're changing the name of their CD to "Get Behind Me, Satin".

[RGMike]

(as heard on KPIG this morning):

Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and Pete Townsend were sitting around Mick's house, comparing their favorites pieces of memorabilia, collected on their various tours over the years.

Paul brought out a huge diamond in the shape of a beetle, given to him by the Emperor of Japan.  Mick and Pete were duly impressed.

Pete showed them a solid gold Tommy pinball machine, a gift from the Sultan of Brunei. "Very nice", said Mick & Paul.

Then Mick went to his cupboard and retrieved a small loaf of bread in a plastic bag, which had been given to him by the people of Morocco. Paul & Pete were puzzled.

Mick said, "It's only a Moroccan roll... but I like it."

[mshray]

The following are items from church bulletins and annoucements, courtesy of one of my Lutheran relatives, and forwarded by my Dad.  These folks could really use a good copy editor.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
 
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
 
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
 
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth Into Joy.
 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[RGMike]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Is Ted Haggard involved with that group? :wink:

Those are all hilarious.

[princessofcairo]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Is Ted Haggard involved with that group? :wink:

Those are all hilarious.

yeah, those were great! i snarfed beer while reading.

[mshray]

Heard this on the Morning Show early last week, from a female Foghead who won something for her trouble.

One day a man and his young son are walking in the park, when they come across a pair of dogs humping.

"Daddy, what are they doing?" asks the youngster.

"Well, um, they're making a puppy," replies his dad.

"Oh, okay," says the kid, and much to his dad's relief he doesn't ask anymore questions.

Several days later the man is making love to his wife, when they suddenly realize they'd left the door unlocked, because in walks the son.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" asks the boy.

"Um, we're making a baby," replies the dad.

"Well, can you turn her around?  I'd rather have a puppy."

[Alicat]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple a sked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
 
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are
you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"