10at10 Club
Main Discussion Area => Stream of Consciousness => Topic started by: Gazoo on March 17, 2005, 07:56:52 AM
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Q: Who are the two most famous gay Irishmen?
A: Gerald FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzGerald.
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But.. this entire board is a forum for bad jokes...
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Q: Who are the two most famous gay Irishmen?
A: Gerald FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzGerald.
Q: what do you call identical twin Irish lesbians?
A: Gaylicks
(are Tegan & Sara Irish-Canadian?)
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have had a really bummer day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees
and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off
even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a
heart attack and
died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have
a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump. "Mr. .. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by
the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this
crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps
on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the
balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very
well." The Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me
what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator.....
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I heard that one several times but without the famous people references.
Here's another Clinton joke:
President Clinton has decided to take a camping trip with his family, and one afternoon he goes jogging on a trail that goes along a river in the national park. Several Secret Service men of course also have to go jogging along behind him, but all of a sudden Clinton trips & falls into the river. The river is flowing pretty swiftly & the Secret Service guys can't keep up, so they start yelling loudly for help as they run down the trail. As luck would have it a group of Boy Scouts are down the trail & they hear what is happening. Three of them quickly form a chain and are able to reach out & catch Clinton's outstretched hand & pull him up the river bank.
After Clinton catches his breath & the Secret Service guys arrive to confirm that everything is going to be okay, he tells the 3 boys, "Boys that was a very brave thing you did, and I thank you for saving my life. If there is anything I can do or give you as a reward, just name it & I'll make it happen."
At first the boys are too shy to speak up, but Clinton insists.
"Well," the first boy says, "My dad is a big fan of yours, do you suppose we could come to the White House for a tour & he could get your autograph?"
"Absolutely," says Clinton, "In fact when you come your family will be my guests for dinner & you can ask my chefs to prepare any food you'd like." Turning to the second boy, Clinton asks, "How about you, son?"
He replies, "My dad is a big airplane buff, do you think we could take a ride with you on Air Force One?"
"Definitely," says Clinton, "We can pick you up and take you anywhere you want to go."
The third boy, however is still obviously quite reluctant to speak, so Clinton puts his arm around his shoulders and says, "It's okay, son. You helped save my life today. If there's anything that you want & I have it in my power to do it for you, I will."
The third boy finally takes a deep breath and says, "Okay, I want a really fancy wheelchair, motorized, with a built in TV & radio & game player."
Clinton looks at him quite puzzled and asks, "Who do you need that for?"
"For me," the boy replies.
"But you're young and perfectly healthy," says Clinton, "You surely don't need a wheelchair."
"But I surely will," says the boy, "once my dad finds out whose life I saved."
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(http://docs.voxeo.com/images/tutorials/muppets.jpg)
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a couple of lame ones from recent emails (both from church folk!):
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully
in 1996 at age 93 (this is actually true).
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.
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Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her
vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It
was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised deck that received the sun
all day long.
She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided
that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and
get rid of the tan lines on her back. She'd been lying on her stomach for a
little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the
roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her bathing suit, and
since she was lying on her stomach, she just Pulled a towel over her
rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of
breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing
up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, like
you did yesterday."
"Yesterday!" she exclaimed. "Have you been following me around? And besides,
what difference does it make, since no one except a nosy assistant manager
can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed man, "except for the fact
that you're lying on the dining room skylight!"
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Pastor's Ass
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The
next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
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A NY friend emailed me and said that the White Stripes are playing there as part of "Fashion Week". Sez he: they're changing the name of their CD to "Get Behind Me, Satin".
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(as heard on KPIG this morning):
Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and Pete Townsend were sitting around Mick's house, comparing their favorites pieces of memorabilia, collected on their various tours over the years.
Paul brought out a huge diamond in the shape of a beetle, given to him by the Emperor of Japan. Mick and Pete were duly impressed.
Pete showed them a solid gold Tommy pinball machine, a gift from the Sultan of Brunei. "Very nice", said Mick & Paul.
Then Mick went to his cupboard and retrieved a small loaf of bread in a plastic bag, which had been given to him by the people of Morocco. Paul & Pete were puzzled.
Mick said, "It's only a Moroccan roll... but I like it."
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The following are items from church bulletins and annoucements, courtesy of one of my Lutheran relatives, and forwarded by my Dad. These folks could really use a good copy editor.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth Into Joy.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Is Ted Haggard involved with that group? :wink:
Those are all hilarious.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Is Ted Haggard involved with that group? :wink:
Those are all hilarious.
yeah, those were great! i snarfed beer while reading.
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Heard this on the Morning Show early last week, from a female Foghead who won something for her trouble.
One day a man and his young son are walking in the park, when they come across a pair of dogs humping.
"Daddy, what are they doing?" asks the youngster.
"Well, um, they're making a puppy," replies his dad.
"Oh, okay," says the kid, and much to his dad's relief he doesn't ask anymore questions.
Several days later the man is making love to his wife, when they suddenly realize they'd left the door unlocked, because in walks the son.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asks the boy.
"Um, we're making a baby," replies the dad.
"Well, can you turn her around? I'd rather have a puppy."
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple a sked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are
you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.... "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Long live Jambi!
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Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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as heard on today's KFOG Morning Show...
Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of drugs?
A: Holy crap... this music SUCKS!
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as heard on today's KFOG Morning Show...
Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of drugs?
A: Holy crap... this music SUCKS!
Who told this one? Greg?
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as heard on today's KFOG Morning Show...
Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of drugs?
A: Holy crap... this music SUCKS!
Who told this one? Greg?
they gave the setup, and asked Fogheads to provide the punchline and LOTS of people knew it and called in.
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Haven't seen it, but I was wondering if anyone came up with this headline:
"Burning Man Suffers From Premature Conflagration"
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Haven't seen it, but I was wondering if anyone came up with this headline:
"Burning Man Suffers From Premature Conflagration"
I coulda sworn Peter said it on the Morning Show yesterday.
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Haven't seen it, but I was wondering if anyone came up with this headline:
"Burning Man Suffers From Premature Conflagration"
I coulda sworn Peter said it on the Morning Show yesterday.
It was in Leah Garchik's column this morning, but I don't think she (or her source) made it up.
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Haven't seen it, but I was wondering if anyone came up with this headline:
"Burning Man Suffers From Premature Conflagration"
I coulda sworn Peter said it on the Morning Show yesterday.
It was in Leah Garchik's column this morning, but I don't think she (or her source) made it up.
My new idea is for Alannis Morrisette to re-release "Isn't It Ironic" in tribute to this event, like Elton did with "Norma Jean" for Princess Di's death. Of course, that would mean Alannis has finally figured out irony.
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drunk says to the bartender: "Do lemons go cheap?" and the bartender says "Yes, they do". Drunk replies: "Thank gawd -- for a minute I thought I'd squeezed a canary into my drink".
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Joke Musto retold from a sassy drag queen:
Q: Where does Heather Mills work?
A: IHOP.
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Joke Musto retold from a sassy drag queen:
Q: Where does Heather Mills work?
A: IHOP.
Bwhahahaha! Some of the things he says when he guests on Olbermann's show are astounding.
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What do you call a rapper who's been ritually slaughtered in accordance with Islamic law?
Halal Cool J!
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KANSAS GUITARISTS QUIT, JOIN TOTO (AP)
BURBANK, CALIFORNIA - Claiming to be tired of playing "slick, faceless corporate rock", Kansas guitarists Steve Walsh and Kerry Livgren have apparently left that band and joined Toto. By way of greeting his and Walsh's new bandmates, Livgren announced, "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore!"
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Answerphone message at the Beatles fan club:
"For info on John press 1, for Paul press 2, for George press 3, and for Ringo press the star key."
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A woman gives birth to twins and gives them up for adoption. The first is raised by a Mexican family who name him Juan; the second is raised by a Middle Eastern family who name him Ahmahl.
Years later, an adult Juan contacts his birth mother and sends her a picture. She's thrilled, and says to her husband "I wish I had a picture of Ahmahl too". Her husband says, "Honey, they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmahl".
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A woman gives birth to twins and gives them up for adoption. The first is raised by a Mexican family who name him Juan; the second is raised by a Middle Eastern family who name him Ahmahl.
Years later, an adult Juan contacts his birth mother and sends her a picture. She's thrilled, and says to her husband "I wish I had a picture of Ahmahl too". Her husband says, "Honey, they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmahl".
LOL! That's the funniest clean joke I've heard in a long time.
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A woman gives birth to twins and gives them up for adoption. The first is raised by a Mexican family who name him Juan; the second is raised by a Middle Eastern family who name him Ahmahl.
Years later, an adult Juan contacts his birth mother and sends her a picture. She's thrilled, and says to her husband "I wish I had a picture of Ahmahl too". Her husband says, "Honey, they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmahl".
LOL! That's the funniest clean joke I've heard in a long time.
courtesy one of the WLNG deejays.
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Q: Why did Corinne Bailey Rae cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.
(Or insert your artist of choice.)
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Q: Why did Corinne Bailey Rae cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.
(Or insert your artist of choice.)
Q: Why did Corinne Bailey Rae cross the road?
A. to meet Feist, Sara Bareilles, and Colbie Caillet.
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The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the
planning stages.
The Library will include:
.....The Hurricane Katrina Room, which remains under
construction.
.....The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be
able
to remember
anything.
.....The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you
don't even have to show
up.
.....The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't
let you in.
.....The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you
out.
.....The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no
one has been able to >>> find.
.....The National Debt room, which is huge and has no
ceiling.
.....The "Tax Cut" Room, with entry only to the
wealthy.
.....The "Economy Room", which is in the toilet.
..... The Spy Room, where everybody knows your name.
....The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first
tour, they make you go back for a second, third,
fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
.....The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed
location, complete with
shotgun gallery.
.....The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
.....The Supremes Gift Shop, where you can buy an
election.
.....The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some
of
your favorite Republican Senators.
.....The "Decider Room", complete with dart
board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and
straws.
.....The Dicto..., Dikshun.., Word Room, where you
will be able to make
your own entries into the national dickshon...,
dichen..., word >>> book.
.....The museum will have an electronic microscope to
help you locate
the President's accomplishments.
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The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the
planning stages...
Great stuff -- I assume that was a viral email? I'll be sending it to everyone I know...
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The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the
planning stages...
Great stuff -- I assume that was a viral email? I'll be sending it to everyone I know...
Loves it!
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Q: How do you know when it's raining cats & dogs?
A: When you step in a poodle!
http://www.sadtrombone.com/
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Q: How do you know when it's raining cats & dogs?
A: When you step in a poodle!
http://www.sadtrombone.com/
That one takes me back -- a childhood fave. Also:
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
http://www.sadtrombone.com/
and
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks!
http://www.instantrimshot.com/
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All Surgeon's preference
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know I like engineers; Those guys always understand if you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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I believe this was once a Detroit Lions joke, but here's the hockey version:
The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US. The Red Wings sign him to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team.
Later in the season the Wings are down 2-0 in the 3rd period to the 20th place Blackhawks. The young Iraqi gets the nod to play for the first time and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 3 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star. When the kid comes off the ice he quickly phones his mom to tell her about his first game. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were down 2-0, but I scored 3 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom... I'm so sorry."
"You're Sorry?!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now! I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is friggin' hot down here!!!!!
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Taken from a radio message board, but it could apply to any business I'm sure:
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know... what do you think?
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Taken from a radio message board, but it could apply to any business I'm sure:
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know... what do you think?
Ha Ha, good one. Here are a few more.
1.) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
2.) How many psychoanalsyts does it take to change a light bulb?
3.) How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
4.) How many counter-intelligence operatives does it take to change a light bulb?
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Ha Ha, good one. Here are a few more.
1.) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, God forbid anyone should help your poor mother change this light bulb.
2.) How many psychoanalsyts does it take to change a light bulb?
sorry, our 50 minutes is up
3.) How many software engineers it take to change a light bulb?
foreach ($lightbulb)
{
$engineers++;
}
exit; # but then QA has to debug and fix it.
4.) How many counter-intelligence operatives does it take to change a light bulb?
wouldn't you like to know.
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Those are all good, and you got #1 pretty much spot on. The version I had throws in at the end "...I'll just sit here in the dark."
The rest are as follows:
2.) How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the lightbulb must want to change.
3.) How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
4.) How many counter-intelligence operatives does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the lightbulb and one to confuse the issue.
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How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know either of those, though I suspect I've heard them before. But in the same vein...
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
Two
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either of those, though I suspect I've heard them before. But in the same vein...
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
.
.
Two
(http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/752500/752769_e542_625x1000.jpg)
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How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
27: one to screw it in and 26 to make the t-shirt.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3: one to screw it in, and two to make the documentary.
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
*applause*
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An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie
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Q: What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?
A: Patrick Swayze.
(As if I weren't going to hell already.)
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From this morning's Request-O-Rama...
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: fo' drizzle!
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Q: What did Justin Bieber say when he got hit by a water bottle?
A: Ow, that didn't feel good. I don't know why she just threw it at me. (in autotune, of course.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_2lez3pn4A
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Bob Shannon just played "Still The One" on 'LNG and said -- "it's what the bank puts on your rowboat if you don't make your loan payments: Orleans!"
::)
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Gaz told my boys this one last weekend:
Q: What's brown & rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
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Gaz told my boys this one last weekend:
Q: What's brown & rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
Bwahahaha! That's going on Facebook immediately.
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Gaz told my boys this one last weekend:
Q: What's brown & rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
nice one. here's another in that vein:
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!
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nice one. here's another in that vein:
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!
This one is courtesy of DaveMack from a while ago, and I believe we told it to Gaz in the car, which prompted the above joke in reply.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
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Q: why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: to get to the other slide.
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posted by a friend on FB:
The economy is so bad that...
-- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
-- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
-- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
-- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
-- Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.
-- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
-- They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street".
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true
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Re-posted on behalf of Here's To Ya:
"All right, mic check, mic check, here goes:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
What do you call a Klezmer jam session?"
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Thanks.
How come this thread didn't show up when I searched for "jokes?" Hmm . . .
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Thanks.
How come this thread didn't show up when I searched for "jokes?" Hmm . . .
Were you on the internet? ;D
The wifey has banned me from ever visiting this thread again.
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Re-posted on behalf of Here's To Ya:
"All right, mic check, mic check, here goes:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
What do you call a Klezmer jam session?"
I know everyone's been waiting with bated breath for these:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
Hey you one, get a bath room!
What do you call a Klezmer jam session?
A Jewtenanny!*
* This is where I point out that I'm Jewish, so I "get" to make those kind of jokes. Please let me know if you find this offensive, anyway.
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Re-posted on behalf of Here's To Ya:
"All right, mic check, mic check, here goes:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
What do you call a Klezmer jam session?"
I know everyone's been waiting with bated breath for these:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
Hey you one, get a bath room!
Er...I don't get this one.
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Re-posted on behalf of Here's To Ya:
"All right, mic check, mic check, here goes:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
What do you call a Klezmer jam session?"
I know everyone's been waiting with bated breath for these:
What do you say to a paramour (think Pepé Le Pew) who is miserably and publicly striking out with the object of his desire?
Hey you one, get a bath room!
Er...I don't get this one.
It was supposed to be a play on Hey you two, get a room. Yeah . . .
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A blond walks into a Starbucks....
http://blog.sfgate.com/stew/2012/01/13/starbucks-forbids-blonde-jokes-2/?tsp=1
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Posted by a FB friend:
Q: What do you call a Fly Girl with an empty candy dispenser?
A: Jennifer No-Pez!
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-hurt,29649/
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Q: if April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
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Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
A: A parrot.
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Some music-industry humor:
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet in the forest. The snake slithers up to the rabbit and says: "You are soft, furry and have long floppy ears so you must be a rabbit!" Then the rabbit says: "You are slimy, low to the ground and have no ears -- so you must be an A&R man!"
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Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I asked my Magic 8 Ball which email client I should use.
It said, "Outlook not good."
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Why don't people eat clocks?
It's too time-consuming.
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These two were my favorites.
Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
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Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.
The word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary.
See for yourself.
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Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.
Ha! That's in the "so bad it's actually kind of funny" category.
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Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.
Ha! That's in the "so bad it's actually kind of funny" category.
One of my students gave me a coffee mug with that written on it!
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was looking for soemthing to post for Coffee Day today and found this joke:
Q: What do coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream!
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I met a man who had no toes, so I beat him up.
I'm lack-toes intolerant.
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was looking for soemthing to post for Coffee Day today and found this joke:
Q: What do coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream!
TANC: Last night's trivia contest had its 10 songs based on a coffee theme. Included was "Strange Brew" by Cream. I am embarrassed to state that I got it wrong.
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[this works bettter being heard rather than read, but here goes]
What do you call a really short Mexican?
I don't know, what?
A paragraph.
Why?
Because he's too short to be an ese.
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Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog. Mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection -- urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Velcro - what a rip off!
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From a current McDonald's commercial:
Dude 1: Please don't tell any of your elevator jokes...
Dude 2: But they work on so many levels!
Oy.
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I just got caught in a click-bait slide show of Star Wars jokes, so I'm only going to post my favorite (they are all pretty lame):
Q. Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road?
A. To get to the Dark Side.