Main Discussion Area > Stream of Consciousness
This is the forum for bad jokes
Gazoo:
Q: Who are the two most famous gay Irishmen?
A: Gerald FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzGerald.
RGMike:
But.. this entire board is a forum for bad jokes...
mshray:
--- Quote from: "Gazoo" ---Q: Who are the two most famous gay Irishmen?
A: Gerald FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzGerald.
--- End quote ---
Q: what do you call identical twin Irish lesbians?
A: Gaylicks
(are Tegan & Sara Irish-Canadian?)
princessofcairo:
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have had a really bummer day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees
and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off
even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a
heart attack and
died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have
a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK
sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump. "Mr. .. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by
the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this
crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps
on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the
balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very
well." The Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me
what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator.....
mshray:
I heard that one several times but without the famous people references.
Here's another Clinton joke:
President Clinton has decided to take a camping trip with his family, and one afternoon he goes jogging on a trail that goes along a river in the national park. Several Secret Service men of course also have to go jogging along behind him, but all of a sudden Clinton trips & falls into the river. The river is flowing pretty swiftly & the Secret Service guys can't keep up, so they start yelling loudly for help as they run down the trail. As luck would have it a group of Boy Scouts are down the trail & they hear what is happening. Three of them quickly form a chain and are able to reach out & catch Clinton's outstretched hand & pull him up the river bank.
After Clinton catches his breath & the Secret Service guys arrive to confirm that everything is going to be okay, he tells the 3 boys, "Boys that was a very brave thing you did, and I thank you for saving my life. If there is anything I can do or give you as a reward, just name it & I'll make it happen."
At first the boys are too shy to speak up, but Clinton insists.
"Well," the first boy says, "My dad is a big fan of yours, do you suppose we could come to the White House for a tour & he could get your autograph?"
"Absolutely," says Clinton, "In fact when you come your family will be my guests for dinner & you can ask my chefs to prepare any food you'd like." Turning to the second boy, Clinton asks, "How about you, son?"
He replies, "My dad is a big airplane buff, do you think we could take a ride with you on Air Force One?"
"Definitely," says Clinton, "We can pick you up and take you anywhere you want to go."
The third boy, however is still obviously quite reluctant to speak, so Clinton puts his arm around his shoulders and says, "It's okay, son. You helped save my life today. If there's anything that you want & I have it in my power to do it for you, I will."
The third boy finally takes a deep breath and says, "Okay, I want a really fancy wheelchair, motorized, with a built in TV & radio & game player."
Clinton looks at him quite puzzled and asks, "Who do you need that for?"
"For me," the boy replies.
"But you're young and perfectly healthy," says Clinton, "You surely don't need a wheelchair."
"But I surely will," says the boy, "once my dad finds out whose life I saved."
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version