Energy drinks I have consumed this month, ranked in order of effectiveness:
1. Monster - the easy winner
2. Red Bull - a strong runner-up, a tried-and-true classic
3. Full Throttle - eyes open, but questionable taste
4. New York Minute - only mildly effectual
5. Sparks - the malt liquor packs more buzz than the taurine
6. Arizona Energy - would be better in one of those 20-oz shotgun cans
7. Rockstar - love the concept, but the milk thistle painfully voids the bowels
8. Bawls - guarana and caffeine only, no all-important taurine
9. Liquid Lightning - weird aftertaste and no energizing effects to speak of
"I'm only trying to help you ..."