Inspired by RGMike's comments, I give you...
How to Sing the Blues
by Stretch Melon Clinton
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less
you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good
woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a
good woman -- with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher -- and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still be the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any
place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing
is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping
on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less
you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly
white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey, rye, or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and
dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death
if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you
cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled
bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman
just done sat on it. I don't care.
