Just last week I was reminiscing about Johnny & thinking how much I missed his presence on TV. I was thinking specifically about what a great Oscar host he was, and wondering what it would take to lure him out of retuirmenet to host this year's event. No we can look forward to seeing him memorialized instead.
My favorite straight up joke that Johnny told was from a week in which Letterman was doing his show from the west coast & Johnny was to be his guest that night. Johnny told the audience that he was only going to tell following joke up to the punch line, but that he would tell the punchline (& only the punchline) on Letterman.
Mrs. O'Malley is cleaning her house one afternoon when there comes a knock on the door. She opens the door to see two somber men in black suits. "Mrs. Liam O'Malley?" the first one asks, "We're from the brewery where your husband works, may we come in?"
She says, "Certainly, how can I help you?"
"Ma'am, there's been a terrible accident at the brewery. We're sorry to tell you this, but your husband is dead."
"Oh dear lord!" she cries, "What happened?"
The first man replies, "Well he was up on the catwalk and fell into a 100,000 gallon vat of beer, and he drowned."
"My poor Liam," she exclaims, "He couldn't swim. He never had a chance."
[insert 1 hr delay until Carson appears on Letterman, where as soon as he sits down he tells Dave, "I have some unfinished business from my show, this will only take a second." And then he looks into the camera and says...]
At which point the second man speaks up for the first time, "I'm not so sure about that ma'am. He got out twice to go to the bathroom."
My favorite monologue quip came when Johnny was responding to the annual results of the federal highway survey wherein each state, in order to qualify for federal matching funds, must demonstrate that a majority of its drivers do not exceed the speed limit:
"Do they really think anyone believes that 50.1% of California drivers keep it below 55? Here in Southern California the only time anyone drives that slow is if they're changing a flat."
Bah dum bum
