Comedian Henny Youngman, born in this day in London (1906).
"Take my wife — please"
"I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."
He said, "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
And, "A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'"
And, "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
And, "Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
And, "My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
And, "A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
And, "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays."
And, "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
And, "Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
And, "You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."
And, "My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
And, "If at first you don't succeed ... so much for skydiving."
from
http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2011/03/16
